Anger, sadness, disappointment, frustration; my mind and my heart are black holes of emotional turmoil.
Wow. I’m so Emo…
Anyway, truth is truth, and that’s all I’ll ever lay on you.
Why, you ask? Great question. I’ll answer to the best of my ability.
Being an empath, I have struggled my whole life to find emotional equity within my relationships. All of my relationships. To give no more than I receive, and take no more than what I am offered.
I have found this to be the single most elusive mastery in the growing repertoire of skills I now possess.
Going without this balance knowingly is also the most effectively crippling mistake.
Every time the balance in a relationship is off, I recognize my ownership in it. I immediately go into reflective mode and find the parts I am responsible for. I make it priority to sort through them, learn from them, and move on.
What concerns me with this is that I infrequently expect the same from the other party.
(Before I break down that nugget, allow me to explain one thing very clearly. I have many very close relationships that maintain a healthy balance. The best part about these people is that I do not have expectations of them either, but because they live in a parallel manner to my own, they do the work too. They hold themselves accountable for their part in our balance.)
Within the last 20 years, it’s gotten increasingly difficult for me to let people go when they don’t do their share emotionally. I’ve become the welcome mat on the front step of a home for broken souls.
I swear, they sense my empathy. They sniff it out like pigs with truffles… they uproot it… they exploit it.
I look back to the years between 18 and 21, and that was me at my finest when it came to expectations. When no one could stay if they weren’t ready to adult alongside me. I was much less tolerant of fear and lack of action. I was honest, brave and strong… tempered with joy and kindness.
As I grew older, moved away from home, and introduced a new city and new people into my existance, I felt shift in my perspective. I learned to be more understanding, and accepting of the struggles others face. I had close connections with very troubled souls. I watched them make poor choices for themselves and suffer immensely. Those experiences fed my innate need to care for people, and it grew.
Time has passed and my heart has become more and more open to bringing new people into my life. My need to nurture is stronger now than it has ever been. New relationships of varying depths fill my every day. New relationships create new feelings, and I experience the whole emotional spectrum. Good, bad and everything in between.
The issue here is this nurturing, caring voice that tells me to give people a chance, doesn’t remind me to honour myself. I forget that it’s okay for me to expect other people to do their work too.
The darkness that haunts me today exists because I’ve forgotten to honour Rebecca for a little too long.
Time to let the light in again.